I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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