Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
