Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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