My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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