He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
