You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
