This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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