I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
