way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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