Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
