Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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