walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
