my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
