I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
