Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Hippo gnu deer
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
