Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
