He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
