Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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