My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Randomize
