I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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