im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
