drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
