I can tuck mytits in my pants
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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