I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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