Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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