My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
