Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
