She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
