I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
