omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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