things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
