I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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