omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
