My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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