I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
