it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
