does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
