I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
