Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
