OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
