You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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