Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
apparently the secret to your success is patron
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
