I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So many bounce houses so little time
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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