So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
