i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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