Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
