I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
