i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
