Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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