just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
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