either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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