Christians are straight up FREAKS
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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