My hand turned me down
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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