I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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