hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
