so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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