my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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