The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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