I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
