My sheets look like a crime scene.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
